(I was going to title this “Knobs Landing” after the great 80s soap opera but thought the reference might be too obscure)
I had just used random knobs I had lying around (an odd reality of my life)
The response was great! People started asking where they could buy them. I was onto something!
So, eager to get going, I went online and ordered a bunch of knobs.
And that’s when the knob-train went off the rails.
So, in the hopes that you will all learn from my errors I offer the following tips for when you next order mass quantities of knobs online.
Tip One: Egads! Foreigners!
Did you know there are people who live outside of the United States!?
And were you aware that those people make stuff!?
Apparently I was not. Because I didn’t realize, until long after I placed the order and requested standard, slow-boat, ground shipping that I was, in fact, dealing with Canadians.
Now, I don’t want to say that they were being secretive about their….. Canadianness but they weren’t exactly shouting about it either. There was no big “made in Canada” banner. Nowhere did they suggest that the knobs would be great in my“hoose.” (I love Canada and have many Canadian friends but we must be honest here, you say “house” wrong. And now I, a proud Ohioan will go outside and warsh my car. Be right back)
OK, totally my bad. Not their fault.
Tip Two: You Might Want To Read Your Invoice
They emailed me my invoice right after I purchased.
Naturally, I thought: “great. I’ll totally ignore that!”
Unfortunately, by ignoring it I missed the note that gently proclaimed “these items are not in stock and will be shipped when they are back in stock”
Tip Three: If you don’t read your invoice and you don’t get a shipping notice you probably shouldn’t bank on making the product any time soon.
I made plans to display my new knob creations at two upcoming shows. Told people who asked that the knobs were going to be available soon!
After waiting an appropriate amount of time for my order to arrive (albeit if it was coming from within the US and actually in stock) it dawned on me that I’d never gotten a shipping notice. And that’s when I discovered the horrible truth: CANADIANS!!!!! OUT OF STOCK!!!!!!
OK. Still my bad. I admit it.
So I waited.
…….for a month.
Tip Four: Passive-Aggressive Revenge Fantasies Will (Surprisingly) Not Solve the Problem
I was very happy when I got the “your knobs have arrived” email but rather than politely asking that, since I’d been waiting a month could they please upgrade my shipping I relied on the much more effective passive-aggressive-fantasy-plan. I wouldn’t ask for speedy shipping. No! That would be an amateur move! I would instead, in my mind, prepare a blistering online review wherein I would complain bitterly that they hadn’t even upgraded my shipping!!!!!!! Then they’d be sorry!
…….So, after 12 more days of traveling my knobs arrived.
And my evil Canadian overlords gained points for two things.
1) They love donuts!! The knobs arrived in rather large Tim Horton’s box!!!!! How can you be upset with people who order large amounts of donuts!?
I cannot wait to get started.